Maru Cat Extrodainaire: 2010

old, but still amusing

) Fearless Leader

Your raid leader, this is the voice you hear in the back of your head whenever you are doing a rotation on a target dummy, or moving out of a fire, whether they are talking at the time or not. This person has sacrificed most of their life to make sure your guild runs on well-oiled wheels, and any friends outside of game have long since been replaced by guildmates and people on the same server as you. Fearless Leader is probably a warrior or another class that can tank, simply because they can't stand not setting the pace or being in control of a raid, since it's what they have to do all day, every day. Everyone in the guild is congenial to them, but secret fear is harboured in the hearts of men and women, usually among the healing classes, that one day Fearless Leader will turn their way and breath some sort of dragon fire, charring them into nothing but bone and sinew. One day, for one reason or another, (S)He will crack under the pressure and become a hermit, living in a church somewhere in the farthest reaches of Tibet, never to see daylight again.

2) I'm Helpful

This person is always ready to help. In fact, they will always try to help, whether or not the help is actually needed. Has sort of a soothing, neutral voice so that they can be understood on Ventrilo easier, but people wonder if they actually used to sound like that before they started calling out Snobolds in the first place. Most likely a Ret Paladin or a Hunter, I'm Helpful will be the person who calls out everything needing to be called out, whether it is wandering plague on Arthas, Snobolds on a character, the fact Steelbreaker just died, or that someone is standing in a fire. This person is probably immensely helpful since even though everyone has DBM installed, no one is actually paying any attention to it, and this droning, sonorous voice is probably their wake up call. Deep inside, if people don't hear this voice, they will be surprised when things actually happen.

3) Healing Queen

Without fail, Healing Queen is a lady whose sole purpose is to organize the healers from some sort of rabble into a cohesive, working unit that makes sure the raid doesn't die. Of course, your healers are already a cohesive unit, and probably work things out just fine between themselves anyways, but Healing Queen is determined to make her mark on them. Assignments will be given readily in a secret channel or in /rw just to make sure that everyone understands. Healing Queen IRL is probably someone with a lot of responsibility who enjoys managing groups of people, whether it be a Fitness Instructor, Teacher, or high powered Careerwoman, they like to lay the lash across unsuspecting people's backs when they're not looking. Probably a very helpful person, but due to the organizational skills required and the massive amounts of whispers, will probably be the first to fuck up an assignment and end up dead. Will always have a soulstone anyways, so that doesn't really matter.

4) Gear Sponge

Every raid has one. Whether it's a shaman who for some reason already has every single piece of loot in the entire game, or the only druid your guild manages to take to every single raid, Gear Sponge is a welcome addition to every raid. He's probably the reason all your ret paladins aren't wearing any mail, and why your shamans aren't wearing gear that is sprouting leaves or named "Sack of Wonder". Everyone laughs when they receive a piece of loot as if it's the funniest thing on earth, but are secretly happy they don't have to shard it, and at least it's being put to good use. Gear Sponge is probably the poorest person in your guild, since they have 3 or 4 FULL SETS OF GEAR that they can't possibly enchant or use. If they are a completionist, they will never log offline, because they will practice day and night to get good with every single possible combination they could use to be an asset in the guild.

5) McTalksaLot

McTalksaLot is a very special person. No matter what happens in the raid, he has a comment for it, a comment that is neither witty nor makes people laugh, but simply a meandering, petty, spiteful or moronic comment. Does good damage or healing, but has no idea when to stop queuing the microphone to talk, and so simply keeps rambling even when important things are trying to be done or said. Often suggests the same ideas that have already been suggested, responding with an "Oh, sorry" when people remind him gently that the things he's REALLY trying to get through people have been mentioned 3 times already before he came up with the bright idea. Already had an "M" next to his name on Ventrilo before he ever joined the guild by half the people, every member in the guild except Fearless Leader has him muted, and he doesn't want to hear McTalksaLot either.

6) Teehee

The partner of McTalksaLot in vent, Teehee is the female vent counterpart. Most likely a girl in the 18-24 range, Teehee injects random cutesy comments into Vent in the middle of important things or strategy discussions. "Like, I remember this time where we were in MC right, and they pulled all the corehounds at once hehehehe!!" Younger men will swoon. Older ones will roll their eyes. Other women will clutch the base of their monitors, trying to force choke her out of existence. No one will have her muted unlike her counterpart, but everyone will find her annoying. No one will tell her this, so the smarmy comments will keep coming whether you like them or not. Will most likely get bored of the guild and leave to find another that suits her unique style, or stay with your guild forever, much like a parasite.

7) The Rock

One of your main tanks, The Rock is silent. You'll swear he never had a voice in the first place before Fearless Leader asked him to speak on vent, and everyone will switch to vent to see who exactly spoke. Does everything exactly as he needs to, most likely because he isnt getting whispered 24/7 like the raid leader, and makes sure to save people's asses when they need to be saved. Probably the most stable person in your guild, The Rock is probably in some very structured profession, like accounting, or being a Mafia Hitman, where rules are structured and meant to be followed. He'll be there when you need him, just like he goes to his black belt karate classes, he'll be there at 8EST for Lich King.

8 ) Corpse

Everyone knows Corpse. Probably one of your best dps, Corpse is always face down on the ground whenever he has an opportunity. Will do 35k dps on Trash, until all the mobs look at him with anger and death in their eyes and make his head permanently concave. Will never be alive on Hardmode Hodir, no matter how many times he soulshatters or iceblocks or feign deaths. Will never die in important fights and really knows his stuff, but in any fight with a dps buff, will literally make the boss so angry that they will become taunt immune as they go over to smash Corpse's face in. Generally hates fights involving movement or fights that make you sit still, such as General Vezax or Hodir.

9) Hybrid

Most likely pairing up with Gear Sponge, Hybrid is the poor fellow you ask to do 2 or 3 different roles in the same instance. Either has a druid, paladin or shaman, or has multiple characters that are geared for the content, Hybrid is usually a very good player that doesn't really remember what character they play any more. Their warlock will be brought in for Faction Champions to control the tree, their tank will be brought in for the rest of the instance, except for Anub, where their shaman will be brought in for bloodlust. Doesn't mind doing either role, just gets confused sometimes while trying to lightning bolt with Holy light, or wondering why they can't demonic circle on their mage. Will sometimes be running into a wall out of sheer confusion and doesn't remember a lot of things about any of the classes that they play.

10) Mumbles

Mumbles is the rambling incoherant drunk of your raid group. Whether it's on vent or in raid chat, occasionally mutters the strangest, most random things about puppies, how they're going to reroll night elves, or a random unrelated Malygos run the other day that had this feral druid with the funniest name.... Tangents are what Mumbles goes off on, and everyone finds him greatly amusing. Might be gone or missing from several raids, everyone in guild assumes it is because they are sleeping off margueritas in a gutter somewhere, covered in cream cheese and missing a couple of their front teeth. Even when not drinking, everyone just assumes Mumbles is drinking, and so he perpetuates the stereotype by starting up again, even if he just logged on at 10am.

11) Stratmonger

He's read every bosskiller strategy, watched every tankspot video, and has every movie on Warcraftmovies memorized, recorded, and on an external hard drive ready for immediate use. Stratmonger is prepared to take over as soon as your raid has their first wipe on Putricide of the night, even if you've done him a dozen times already. "Well, I remember in this one video, where they moved Putricide over near the red Slime and had the abomination on it.." He will inject a thread of doubt into your strategy even if you wiped because 4 dps blew up in a goo, making Fearless Leader despise him instantly. Unknowingly, people will support Stratmonger because hey, if someone else saw it in a video and said it on the internet, it's possible that its right. Let's go check the wikipedia page.

12) Hapless

This poor schmuck will always be dead, no matter what, in every fight you can possibly die, in every single possible way. He will get flash frozen on Hodir, die to Heigan's dance, die to a Snobold on Goremok, get chased around the room to one of Anub's enraged scarabs, or any number of other humiliating, avoidable deaths. Hapless is probably a good dps or good healer, but tunnel vision severely limits their playing ability. Genuinely seems to not notice exactly how they died, because they were concentrating so hard on watching their numbers go up on the meters, and probably doesn't actually have any idea they simply stood in the fire for 10 seconds until they burned to death. Is put up with to gritted teeth, while the raid wishes there was someone who could put out 10k dps AND move a couple of yards out of the fire at the same time.

13) Ego

One of your top dps without fail, Ego is always clutching the dps charts in his hand like a magic 8 ball, shaking it until a favourable outcome comes his way. Most likely a death knight or a rogue, Ego has nothing else to do besides his rotation and to brag about how high his numbers are, even if no one else gives a shit. Will never switch onto adds or anything other than the tunnel vision target, Ego's dps is high but completely meaningless. Practices on the target dummy daily and runs spreadsheets to maximize every second of dps he could possibly be doing, if a buff is missing, he'll notice it and point it out loudly to the raid, making sure his minmaxing isn't affected by some lousy buff that someone else forgot to give him. Will always ask for dps meters just to see his name posted, as if he already isn't running one himself.

14) The Pauper

Always some class with a buff that can't seem to avoid running out of reagents, the Pauper can be seen sullenly buffing 25 people with a single buff. Probably a paladin, to which people in the raid will moan and complain about their 10 minute kings as loudly as they possibly can, pointing a demanding finger at The Pauper to finally buy some reagents and stop being a wuss about the 24 silver fee. The Pauper is loved by all and is most likely a senior member of the guild, one who is so busy with other things that they simply can't be bothered to stop and buy reagents, flasks, or even proper gems for their gear. Is probably using gems from Hellfire Penninsula in their Sanctified T10 pieces simply because blue gems are too expensive to be used.

15) Hard Done By

This poor bloke is one of the best geared on the server, but always needs one more thing. Has Shadows Edge and Bryntroll? Well guys, we should really get Lich King down so I can get some real weapons. Is rocking 5/5 Sanctified Tier10? Well, Sindragosa has boots I need and I'm only wearing 25man Heroic ToC boots, so I would hope that I get first pick of them when they do drop. Casually ignores the fact that 24 other people are in the raid along with him, you can imagine him running his hands through treasure chests as soon as they appear, swimming through the gold much like Scrooge Mcduck in his vault of money. If ever an item does not go his way that he so richly believes he deserves, an instant rage and gquit are incoming, or weeks of sullen sulking. Even if the item drops again the next week and he receives it, it will be treated with "Oh jeez, finally, about time it was my turn."

16) Scrooge McDuck

This guildy is SO rich that he has no idea of what to do with all his money. Every bit of BoE gear, Kirin Tor rings, Traveller's tundra mammoths and anything that is humanly possible to buy, he already owns. All his raid gear contains full epic gems, there is nothing he owns which is not ludicrously expensive in some way. Probably one of your worst players which makes up for shortcomings with decked out gear in every single gear slot. Either is a jewelcrafter or spends all day on the auction house, bilking players out of every copper they can possibly earn. Talks about this in raid instead of doing whatever it is they should be doing. Scrooge is loved by everyone, but most people just want direct access to his line of credit.

17) Prepared

Illidan would be proud of him. Prepared comes to raid with every single thing they possibly need. A new belt comes their way? They already have a belt buckle and the appropriate gem they need for the slot. Enough emblems for tier pants? Strange, they already have spellthread on it and gems socketted before the next pull. They have 40 flasks, enough buff food for themselves along with 200 Fish Feasts for the entire raid, more potions in injectors than they could possibly ever need, and silly buffs like Deviate feasts, magic wands and all sorts of other goofy stuff, in case they need to raid inside a monkey ball for one of the bosses coming up. Prepared is probably a class that requires no other bag space, such as a Ret Paladin or a Mage, because nothing could possibly fit inside his bags with all that other stuff in it.

18) The New Guy

Let's face it, The New Guy is always in your raid. He probably came from a smaller guild where no expectations were placed on him, and is now playing with the big boys. His damage, healing, or tanking is absolutely torrid. It's like he was trying to learn Karate from Chris Farley or Danny Devito, and is now trying to drop-kick Jackie Chan in the face. Doesn't seem to realize that what he's doing is terrible, the New Guy is always nice and congenial, trying to fit in the guild. Is absolutely shocked when someone in his class whispers "Psst, you should probably be doing something different, since your damage sucks" and looks at the meter for the first time, only to realize he's doing half the damage of the tanks. Furiously scrambles redfaced to try to make a good impression, changes everything about how he plays, and soon becomes a stonefaced raider.

19) Patton

Someone has to keep the raid awake, this is Patton's job. Will continually be yelling in /rw to "WAKE THE FUCK UP" or "C'mon guys, it's been six minutes since we said to take a 5 minute break", Patton will be in charge of keeping everyone awake and interested. A totally thankless job, since people will meander back to their computers at their own speed anyways and roll call is meaningless anyways, Patton will nonetheless walk down the line, /poking people and trying to keep them from going away to go to the washroom. Really have to pee? Your dog wants out? Forget it. Patton will come to your house and duct tape you to your computer chair so you don't do any of that meaningless crap. Now drink another flask, and lets do another hour of Anub attempts, maggot.

20) Laaaaaaaag

Laaaaaaaag is always someone who is raiding with a PC at least 10 years old. They have their settings turned down so low and want to play the game so bad that they zoom into first person mode to reduce lag so that they can finally participate in a raid. At the best, Laaaaaaag gets 3 frames per second, and can't see a single spell detail. Is almost always standing in Death and Decay, Fire, or any other environment effect that causes horrible death. Likewise, is chosen 100% of the time to be the target of legion flames or other abilities that cause death to your entire raid group. Will probably be brain linked on Yogg-saron or Dark pacted on Blood Queen, Laaaaaag will always be the one member of your raid everyone will fear. Probably is a really good player underneath, but no one can tell because of the restrictions their computer puts on them.

21) IRL

You know IRL, he's the guy who has such a rich, satisfying life outside WoW. Is on a Hockey team, plays sports with his buddies, goes out drinking with his friends, is a satisfied, happy Real estate agent with a million dollars in his wallet, yet he somehow manages to get online to play WoW and raid with everyone on every single raid night. Not wanting to question his dedication, everyone gives IRL free reign, wishing they were just like him while wondering subconciously exactly what he does in his life, knowing that he's probably the same schmuck everyone else is. He's probably still on a hockey team though. Probably plays defense.

22) Trade Troll

Trade Troll will be giving general chat a concise rundown of what it is exactly your raid is doing at the moment between wipes. (S)he will be going on the realm forums and typing stuff instead of running back (Ever wonder why they're AFK? It's not because they have a bad computer..) and will need a rez every single time. Is known by half the miscreants and dysfunctional people on the server, and not in a good way. Will never actually pay attention to the raid except at the exact second the pull starts, and even then, if Trade Troll is a druid healer, will apply hots and alt tab to see the latest juicy news on the forums. Trade Troll is possibly a good player in your raid, they just have ADD and can't focus on one thing at a time for longer than 5 minutes.

23) The Entertainer

When things go badly in your raid, you'll be glad to have The Entertainer around. They come stocked with funny things like a disco ball, Orb of deception, or Ritual of the New Moon in their bag. Something like a tentacle from C'thun will wander up someone's dress while they're eating a fish feast, or a Dancing Draenei flame statue will mysteriously appear in the middle of your raid group, spawning at least 10 naked, flaming draenei. The Entertainer is also a master of jokes, stories, and stuff that will make your group forget that this is the 16th wipe in a row on Beasts of Northrend, and pick up their weapons for another go. If nothing else works, The Entertainer can always make an elaborate speech and /gquit, waking everyone up and getting a laugh from at least a couple of people before starting the next pull.

24) Significant

So, there's a really great dps or healer in your raid that you want to be there every single time. Significant is not that person, but (S)he is dating the person that you do want. Probably the worst player of that class you've ever seen, Significant is always online, always ready, and always wanting to come with their beau. Problem is, you also want to kill Valithria tonight, and they're not the one who can help you do it. Everyone feels bad when they both end up leaving, but in the end it really is for the best. Even if that raider was the best dps, had a sexy British accent, did everything that they were supposed to.... aww man.

25) Hungry

This one is stunningly simple. You'll never hear this person on vent. Ever. Hungry will never be along with the rest of the group for pulls, will do stunningly low damage on trash, and is probably your lootmaster. Whenever he speaks, Hungry will undoubtably sound like he has a mouthful of soft tacos and is chain drinking mountain dew straight from the jug. This is because he probably is. He'll be there for bosses, but if there ever is something to be explained "Mrhghffhh huuurghhhh" is probably the best you'll ever get from him. Probably the skinniest player in the entire raid group. Will constantly describe what amazing food he's eating and make the rest of the raid hungry constantly.

And Ninja Cat